"Henry the Eighth I am, I am," sings Newest King of England
Advisor to King Warns Lay Landowners in Danger
Predator Priests Prey on Plenty of Parishes
Losing my Religion (and My Waistline)
"Make up Your Mind," Father tells King
For Sale: Letters of a King to a Boleyn
A Tale of Two Mary's Acrimony to Nan's Planned Matrimony
Nan Slammed Across Land on Coronation Tour
We do need those stinkin' badges
Ladies and Gentlemen, This is Wife Number 5
Parr-Borough-Latimer-Tudor Attacks the Times
"Henry the Eighth I am, I am," sings Newest King of England
We caught up with the monarch formerly known as Prince Henry during one of his much ballyhooed "jam sessions." As you may know, the new king is a very accomplished musician and composes many of his own songs. Well, maybe he has just a little help. As this latest example of his work shows, he needs all the help he can get.
"I'm Henry the VIII I am, I am,
Henry the VIII I am, I am.
I got married to the widow next door,
she'd been married to my brother before.
This song has made me hun-gar-ee,
I'd really like a tasty rack of lamb,
Or, an eight course meal that's featuring
Freshly roasted Tudor Ham!"
Leaving the chamber and waving a turkey leg, the King declared, "Second verse, same as the first!"
His new wife and queen, Catherine of Aragon, rolled her eyes heavenward. "It's true, he's just not right," she sighed, echoing the dying words of her father-in-law, Henry VII. Well alright, maybe what the pretty Spanish native (who, indeed, was married to the King's brother) said was, "Ese hombre no es normal."
Get the Real Story, er, Songs:
All Goodly Sports: Music of Henry VIII 34 Songs all said to be composed by Henry VIII, the King
The Sport of Love Includes Pastime with Good Company for 3 voices.
Calliope Dances-A Renaissance Revel Includes Taundernaken for Diverse Instruments
Playing with Fire Includes another version of Taundernaken
Renaissance Music at Princely Courts of Europe
Jubilate: Music for the Kings and Queens of England
Court Jesters: Tudor Minstrel MusicI just may order this myself--Wolsey's Wild, The Night Watch for viol consort, My Lady Carey's Dompe, Arthur's Dump and many, many more.
Music from the Reign of Henry VIII
The French Ambassadors, Music based on Holbein's 'The Ambassadors' Now, here is an interesting bit of creative marketing for Renaissance Song.
Henry VIII: If Love Now Reigned [IMPORT] Excerpts of the Love Letters of H8 to Anne Boleyn intermingled with Songs by the King. The gentleman reading the letters has a German Accent, which was a little disconcerting for me, but I brought the CD for the text of the letters.
Radio Stations on the Web:
Mists of Avalon. What a lovely Sunday morning brunch. From 11a to 1p, Eastern Standard Time, listen to wonderful music from the Tudor times and beyond. Celtic, Medieval and Renaissance tunes are played during these two hours. Miss the show? Find archives here. Mists of Avalon host, Walt Haake, actually admits to visiting us here at the Tudor Times. Well, there's no accounting for tastes.
Also visit Detroit's new Classical Music home.
Don't forget to visit our Bookstore for more titles on this fascinating period of time
Advisor to King Warns Lay Landowners in Danger
In a scathing response to “A Supplication of Beggars,” Sir Thomas More,
knight, councilor to our most sovereign lord the King, and chancellor of his
duchy of Lancaster warns that if the ideas promulgated in that “mad book” come
to pass, the laity will be next in line to have their lands stripped. More, in
writing “The Supplication of Souls,” ably answers the defamations contained in
Simon Fish’s seventeen page tract. The “wholesome antidote set forth”
masterfully reduces to dust the heresy contained in Beggars. In one of the most
interesting passages, More argues that if the clergy is turned out of their
lands, it follows that lay persons will be next. To wit:
“Now, some landowners may perhaps suppose that their case will
not seem the same as that of the clergy because they think that the clergy have
their possessions given them for purposes which they do not fulfill, and that if
their possessions happen to be taken from them, it will be done on that basis,
and so the lay landowners are out of danger because, they think, such a cause or
basis or perception is lacking and cannot be found with respect to them and
their inheritance. Certainly if anyone, whether priest or lay person, has lands
in the giving of which has been attached any condition which he has not
fulfilled, the giver may with good reason take such advantage of that as the law
gives him. But on the other side, whoever would advise princes or lay people to
take from the clergy their possessions on the basis of such general allegations
as that they do not live as they should, or do not use their possessions well,
and would claim that therefore it would be a good deed to take them by force and
dispose of the better---we dare boldly say to whoever gives this argument as now
does this beggars’ spokesman, that we would counsel you to take a good look at
what would follow. For, as we said before, if this bill of his were put through,
he would not fail to provide you soon after, in a new supplication, plenty of
new meritless arguments that would please the people’s ears, arguments whereby
he would endeavor to have lords’ lands and all honest folk’s goods confiscated
from them by force and distributed among beggars. Of whom there would, be this
strategy that he devises, come about such an increase and growth that they could
in a hasty makeshift way make up a strong party. And as surely as fire always
creeps forward and tries to turn everything into fire, so will such bold beggars
as this one never cease to solicit and procure all that they can—the despoilment
and robbery of all who have anything—and to make all people beggars like
themselves.”
“You don’t have to take my word for it,” More, who has a very good legal head on
his shoulders, said. “Look at what’s happening in the Low Countries (Germany),”
continued this good servant of King Henry VIII.
Could this sort of thing really come to pass on our fair isle? What about clause
39 of the
Great Charter (Magna Carta) which states that "no free man shall be
arrested or imprisoned or disseised [dispossessed] or outlawed or exiled or in
any way victimised...except by the lawful judgment of his peers or by the law of
the land."
“Then we must needs call some suitable peers to pass suitable judgment,” was the
statement from the Palace.
Get the Real Story:
Books by Thomas More:
Four Last Things: The Supplication of Souls: A Dialogue on Conscience
Conscience Decides by Sir Thomas More
Thomas More’s Prayer Book
Books about Thomas More:
Thomas More by R.W. Chambers
I reviewed this book as an assignment in my World History Class. Even if you
don’t like the Tudor times, this book is valuable to the history student for use
as a tutorial on primary and secondary sources, as well as a discussion of what
makes for authoritative sources in history. (Hint: This website is not quite
ready for prime time sourcing. And, we like it that way.) Chambers also speaks
of “the rectitude of memory.” This book was written in England in the 1930’s,
near the 400th anniversary of More’s death, and at the eve of More’s
canonization as a saint by the Roman Catholic Church.
On the Web:
A discussion
of Reformation Literature, including Supplication for the Beggars. Note
that some Boleyn person is credited (or accused) of putting this pamphlet in the
hands of H8.
Some Websites for Thomas More:
Catholic
Encyclopedia Entry on Thomas More
Life and
works of Thomas More
And, of course, the 21st century version of danger to landowners in the US:
Analysis of Kelo v New London from the Institute of Justice (IJ):
Castle Coalition
Castle Watch—a project of IJ.
Has an interactive map of Eminent Domain abuse. No, this is not about some
rapper from Warren, Michigan and his ex-wife. It’s about the “takings clause” of
the 5th amendment of the US Constitution. It’s worth noting that in the 1980’s,
the infamous Poletown case, cited nationwide for the proposition that homes and
businesses can be taken solely for another business, was decided by the Michigan
Supreme Court. But, that tide is turning. In a unanimous decision in 2004, the
same Court overturned Poletown in County of Wayne v. Hathcock.
Predator Priests Prey on Plenty of Parishes
A story you'll see only in the Tudor Times
Tired of hearing about all the scandal and abuse in the
Church? You aren't alone.
"Sensual papistical dolts," fumes one German theologian, Martin Luther. "That about hits
it on the head," agreed an unnamed, but very reliable, source.
We caught up with Luther in Wittenberg while he was in the process of repairing a door on a church. Or something like that, anyway, he was pounding nails into the door. We asked for his indulgence in granting us an interview. Like so many of our requests for a question and answer session, this one was denied. He did issue this written statement, however:
"Of the sensual papistical dolts at Rome, cardinals, bishops, priests and the like, it is not necessary to speak here. Their works are manifest. All honorable secular authorities must confess they are simply abandoned knaves, living shameless lives of open scandal, avarice, arrogance, unchastity, vanity, robbery and wickedness of every kind. Not only are they guilty of such living, but shamelessly endeavor to defend their conduct. They must, then, be regarded enemies of Christ and of all honesty and virtue."
Celibacy for the clergy became Roman Church law in 1079. Yet, more than four hundred years later, some of today's clergy are at best seen as little more than gluttonous, licentious, drunkards who ignore their flocks, and at worst, are a pestilence to believers. This is not new. The Church has survived other tribulations before.
A Church spokesman said: "We may not lay much stress on such isolated instances of depravity as that of Pope John XXIII,(*) who was condemned for incest, among many other crimes, and for adultery; or the abbot, elect of St Augustine, at Canterbury, who in 1171 was found, on investigation, to have seventeen illegitimate children in a single village; or an abbot of St Pelayo, in Spain, who in 1130 was proved to have kept no less than seventy concubines; or Henry III, Bishop of Liege, who was deposed in 1274 for having sixty-five illicit progeny."
There are reports of priests having used the confessional to extort sex from unwilling victims. Moreover, "Unnatural love" is more than once spoken of as "lingering" in the monasteries. "It is not surprising that, having once broken their vows, the clergy should soon have sunk far below the laity," continues our unnamed source.
What can be done? Reformers call for, among many other things, an immediate end to "the sinful practice of simony." Now, we know what you're thinking here, but you are wrong. Simony is the giving or obtaining an appointment to a church office for money. This is a common practice, even in the obtaining of the position of pope.
Get the Real Story:
(*) This John (giggle) XXIII (1410-15) should not to be confused with Angelo Roncalli, who also claimed the number in 1958
Books:
Luther's prayers
The Sex Lives of the Popes
Websites:
The Roman Catholic Church of the Middle Ages
Martin Luther Texts, Articles, Sermons and more
And, don't forget our Bookstore. Click on "Buy It" to view the book on
Amazon.com.
Yes, that was our discerning editor “showing off” in front of the other media types during the recent Field of the Cloth of Gold festivities. During the question and answer session with Frank and Hank, the Times query of Henry VIII went thusly:
“I have a two-part question. What is the Field of the Cloth of Gold, and what is its' significance? And, a follow-up, if I may, how much gold is this costing your taxpaying subjects?”
Turning to Francis I, the Times asked, “Peut-être vous commenteriez également?” (Perhaps you would also comment)
The question and response got more publicity than the meeting between the two monarchs. Visibly irritated, Hank the Oct responded, “Oh, great. The bird memorizes four words, and she plays like she’s intercontinental.” Another, inaudible comment followed.
Frank I was clearly confused: “Que dit-elle? Avez-vous plus à la maison comme vous? Ce qui est un "Clymer"?,” he asked.
After answering this reporter’s questions, Henry snapped at the Times: “As soon as you get in front of an illustrator and the other scribes, you start showing off.”
Get the Real Story:
The
Field of Cloth of Gold: men and manners in 1520
Don't forget to visit our Bookstore for more titles on this fascinating period of time
Websites:
http://www.infoplease.com/ce6/history/A0818641.html
http://www.activehistory.co.uk/A-Level/earlymodern/earlybritish/field/clothofgold.htm
And, of course, the source (Anti-Americanism in Europe)
“What
color is the smoke,?” shouted that paragon of pluck, our exasperated editor.
“I can’t see it from this window!
Remember--white if they’ve elected a new pope, and black if they need
to vote again.”
“Dunno,” coughed our hot-headed holographer, formerly known as our scrappy scribe. “It all looks gray to me. Can’t they ring some bells or something? I’m an auditory learner, anyway.”
Meanwhile, our roving reporter continued
wandering about the piazza, holding a clove studded orange to her face, in a
vain attempt to block out the smells and the smoke.
Here are some notable quotes:
“There is a sense of timelessness here;
yet, this is a critical juncture for this Church. This Church really has to
figure out how to be relevant for the next few centuries,” our unnamed, but
very reliable, source said earlier to our scrappy scribe.
“We need a Church that responds to
nuances,” agreed Henry VIII in yet another interview granted only to the Times. “What we need
is a pope that will grant a divorce.”
Get the Real Story:
Also On the Web:
http://www.catholic-pages.com/pope/election.asp
http://www.bartleby.com/65/he/Henry8Eng.html
http://www.infoplease.com/ce6/people/A0812517.html
Don't forget to visit our Bookstore. Better yet, buy something.
Losing my Religion (and My Waistline)
I am bigger
I’m bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
Any distance for some pies
Oh, I've eaten too much
I ate it up
Put me in the corner
All my hose are too tight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh, I ate too much
I haven't eaten enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you cry
Every whisper
Of every waking hour I'm
Ensuing my accession
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no, I ate too much
I ate it up
Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've eaten too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you cry
But, oh, that Devon cream,
That was just a dream
Here's a link to a midi version of this tune:
http://www.findmidis.com/listen.go/1797/Losing_My_Religion-by-REM
Of course, The Benzedrine Monks are the last word in a parody of “Losing My Religion”
"Make up Your Mind," Father tells King
|
"Did
you ever have to make up your mind? Pick up on one and leave another behind,?” pondered
the ruler formerly known as the Prince of Wales, Henry VIII. "It's
not often easy and not often kind.”
|
The musical monarch's musings were accompanied by his latest song, yet another
exclusive to the Times. You can hear the tune here:
I’ve been coming
here to Hever to unwind
Get away from cares and escape the old grind
If girls here are easy, I’m not disinclined
But who knew just what a hard one I’d find
Did you ever have
to finally decide
Say no to one and make the other your bride?
Here's hoping the other will take it in stride
Or will my choice cause a family divide?
Mary’s the one
with big blue eyes, and cute as a bunny
Black hair down to here, and lips just like
honey
And just when I thought she's that one in the
world
My heart got stolen by another Boleyn girl
And I just know I'd better make up my mind...
At times, I really dig Mary the moment I kiss her
And then I’m distracted
by her younger sister
Now in walks her father, who takes me aside
And says, "You better go home, Sire, and make up your mind!"
And now you bet I’d better finally decide...
Get the
"Real" story:
The Other Boleyn
Girl (fiction)
Wives of H8
On the Net:
Mary
Boleyn, Bio, Portrait, Primary Sources--incorrect date of Mary's birth,
and uncertain on other facts, but, hey, it's got a great picture
Tressed
for Excess
Women’s
Headdress and Hairstyles-out of print, but Amazon will hunt down a copy
for you.
Be sure to visit our Anne Boleyn section in the Bookstore.
On
the Web:
Dateline:
Somewhere in Great Britain
Anne Boleyn has left court for the privacy of the family digs, Hever Castle.
Meanwhile, most English newspapers continue their silence and the nation learns
nothing of the drama being played out in royal circles. For years, the story of
the King's romance with Mistress Boleyn has been followed in continental
newspapers while English readers see nothing. This "conspiracy of
silence" began with Lord Beaverdam, the owner of one of our rival
publications. Beaverdam was asked by the King to spare Ms Boleyn from the
unwanted shine of the media spotlight. Unaware that Bluff King Hal intended to
marry this "night crow", Beaverdam agreed and persuaded nearly
everyone avoid publishing the fantastic story.
Everyone, that is, except the Tudor Times.
"Unwanted attentions from the media?
Rubbish!", snorted our plucky editor. "Remember, we're speaking of a
Boleyn, here. Her annoying family has been sending us written press statements
for ages".
Our paragon of pluck continued, "We're running these stories. The country
is bubbling with rumour, and we need to be sure we start some more, to better
sell our papers."
Get the Real Story:
Anne Boleyn by Eric Ives Out of Print, but well worth hunting down a copy. "As irresistible as Anne herself" Simply the best Boleyn bio to date.
Anne Boleyn by Norah Lofts. Not one of my favorites, as it goes a little heavy on the witchcraft angle, but great pictures.
Be sure to visit our Anne Boleyn section in the Bookstore.
NB-Those with delicate sensibilities will perforce be offended by the following. Oh, well.
Everyone sees the thing. Heck, you can scarcely miss the item, it’s so honking big. It causes much comment amongst a great many subjects across our fruited realm. "I cannot take seriously the legitimacy of a queen who lets a festering mole grow unchecked on her neck," was how one unnamed, but highly reliable, source summed up the situation.
You wouldn't think one’s “facial irregularities” would matter to others. Evidently, it does.
So, it being a slow news day, and our analytical capacity for examining world events at a very low ebb, let's talk about the mole(s) on Anne Boleyn’s neck.
“She has certain moles incident to the clearest complexions,” admits George Wyatt in Cavendish’s latest tract, Wolsey. “HA! Big as a strawberry, it is,” chimes in another nameless, but nonetheless reliable, source.
Many observers think that in addition to the mole(s) Boleyn also has a wen, or maybe a goiter, on her neck. Poppycock, posits one Boleyn publicist. “The need to conceal a goiter is malevolent embroidery,” writes Eric Ives.
Robert of Dunham, a minor noble, had this to say to the Times: "I got to see the Queen close up, and I can tell you that her mole stood out like, well, a sore thumb. And, hey, doesn’t she have three of those? Or, is that six fingers and three breasts? What…ever. I expect she's had the mole evaluated and a doc told her, 'If it doesn't bother you, why mess with it?' Besides, isn’t a mole the quintessential mark of a witch? That would explain a lot.”
Many vocal members of crowds who turn out to see the royal couple at engagements can be heard to shout such things as, “Anne Moleyn,” “Control the Mole”, “Mole face,” and probably most hurtful, “Mole 'est,” and “Molarder” owing to Boleyn’s well developed understanding of the French language. Many simply urge the Queen to “Get lost, GrandMole.”
“My mole, my choice,” says Boleyn.
The King apparently isn’t bothered by any of this, and that’s good enough for us. “I would rather beg door to door than forsake my beloved Nan,” he said.
Next week: Does having six fingers make playing the lute easier? The Queen tells all.
Get the Real Story:
For Sale: Letters of a King to a Boleyn
Anne Boleyn revealed that she has put 17 intimate love letters
from King Henry VIII up for sale at £10 million ($A27.9 million) during an
exclusive interview with the Tudor Times.
Boleyn, a former lady in waiting, and now Marchioness of Pembroke, who has had a
multi year affair with the King, once proclaimed she would "never
dream" of parting with these missives. "Actually, when I close my eyes
at night and dream, it's always about money," she confided.
The letters contain personal details of her long standing affair with the King.
Many were sent to her as she served as maid of honor to Queen Catherine. Boleyn
told the Times on Thursday: "Yes, I would be available to sell them."
She made it clear she hoped to raise up to £10 million, claiming she had
already been offered £4 million for 10 of them.
Boleyn, who plans to trap the King into marriage by becoming pregnant, said
that, ideally, the correspondence, mainly written on parchment, in the King's
own hand, would go to a private collector or a museum archive. "Someone
with a discriminating air surpassed only by the size of their bank
account," was how she characterized the perfect candidate.
"I think it is important to understand that these letters are, or will
become, important historical documents," she told our plucky reporter.
"I think it would be irresponsible not to sell them and to generate
something one can do some good with." Read: cash to "do some
good" for the rest of her insufferable relations.
The letters reportedly include passages in which the King refers to their
physical relationship as well as to his promise to forgo dalliances with other
women. Boleyn asserts it is untrue that the phrase, "I like your perky
breasts, all
three of them," was ever written by the King.
Boleyn dismissed our suggestion that she donate the letters to the Vatican
Library. Displaying a typical Boleyn's altruistic nature, she said,
"Selling the letters is better than donating them to rot in a safe
somewhere." Can't argue with that logic. It's best to have the letters
stored in the safe of someone who has paid dearly for them. Avid collectors of
royal memorabilia pay vast sums for items connected to the Tudors.
Boleyn told our reporter that "a lot of good" could be done with the
money, without stipulating whether any of it would go to charity. She brushed
aside another suggestion that she give the letters to our reporter.
There was silence from Henry at Nonesuch Palace as well as at Hever Castle from
other Boleyn family members. Clearly, since the Boleyn brood is involved, this
is not the same as saying, "Our repeated pleas requesting an audience were
not granted."
Boleyn's willingness to sell the letters was uncovered by a rival publication.
Apparently, tabloid staffers posing as representatives of a wealthy Italian
businessman had a conversation with Boleyn, during which a £10 million price
tag was suggested for the entire bundle.
Supporters of the Boleyn faction contend that legally, the parchment
on which the letters are written belongs to Boleyn, to dispose of as she wishes.
Get the Real Story:
If Love Now Reigned Songs and the text of many of Hank's letters to AB.
Be sure to visit our Anne Boleyn section in the Bookstore.
Websites:
Tudor Dynasty and Reformation in England
A
purported letter from Anne to Henry
And,
of course, the source of our inspiration.
A Tale of
Two Mary's Acrimony to Nan's Planned Matrimony
“Methinks there are two Marys too many for
me to make merry,” complained the Marchioness of Pembroke, Anne Boleyn, on the
eve of her wedding to the King of England, Henry Tudor. And she has good reason
to grumble. The “two Marys” wrecking havoc with Boleyn’s merriment are
none other than her future sister-in-law, and her future step-daughter.
Nonesuch Palace confirmed Tuesday that Mary
Tudor Brandon, the King’s sister, would not attend the planned marriage
ceremony of her brother to his longtime gal pal Boleyn.
Jane Parker Boleyn, sister-in-law of the
future Queen, said Mary Brandon’s absence should be “interpreted as a
snub.”
Brandon has made several snide remarks
relating to the wedding. “Nan Bullen planned a ceremony fit for a Queen, but
is settling for a two-bit affair in a Palace closet,” she is quoted by us as
saying.
Nor can Royal watchers forget than Brandon
made “opprobrious” remarks during the Easter break of 1532, according to one
source. Our scribes here at the Tudor Times haven’t a clue what the
word “opprobrious” means, but it sounds really bad. In fact, it sounds about
as awful as a contemptuous reproach; or scornful, abusive language, only it’s
all wrapped in one word.
The Palace is trying to put the best face
possible on the matter. "Naturally, there will be no best man or royal
supporters. It's not that sort of wedding," said our nameless Palace
source. “After all, she is preggers,” the anonymous source continued,
referring to Boleyn’s by now obvious ‘bun in the oven’.
When Henry, 44, and his longtime consort
Boleyn, who is uncertain-aged, announced their plans, they seemed ready to
alleviate public concerns about their 7-year relationship and would show some
sensitivity to Henry's first wife, Catherine of Aragon, who is still alive.
Mary Tudor, daughter of the King and
Catherine, does not share that harmonious tone, and has publicly stated that she
will “recognize only one Queen of England, and that is my mother.” Moreover,
spies at Court say she has plans to rise to the throne over any and all heirs
that Boleyn may deliver.
“Rubbish,” snorted Mary’s father, Henry.
“Can you say ‘primogeniture’? Why do you think I have turned the world
upside down to wed Nan? Not for a girl to take the throne, bigod. Mary bloody
better well understand her place,” continued the King thunderously.
Get the real story:
Anne Boleyn by Norah Lofts. Not one of my favorites, as it goes a little heavy on the witchcraft angle, but great pictures.
Be sure to visit our Anne Boleyn section in the Bookstore.
Great
news! Blackwell
Publishing informs us that Eric Ives—user of the word
“opprobrious” in his first edition of “Anne Boleyn” has published a
second edition of his book, A
Life and Death of Anne Boleyn: The Most Happy and it will be out in
paperback in May 2005. Noted historian David
Starkey calls this,
We don’t need no stinkin’ scholarship here
at the times, we are journalists. If you require scholarship, visit elsewhere.
On the Web:
Nan Slammed Across Land on Coronation Tour
Cries of "Get off the stage! We don't want you here! We'll have no Nan Bullen as Queen!" greeted England's newest sovereign as she made her way throughout London on what was to have been a triumphant tour. The tour turned tense, however, as many in the crowd expressed sentiments scarcely signaling approval to our newest Queen.
"Yes, I saw far too many caps on heads, and heard far too few ‘God save yous’ for my liking", the new Queen complained after the ceremonies had ended.
Anne’s fool tried to put a bright face on events. "I think they all had scurvy, and were afraid to remove their caps," he commented.
"How could we not know this would be the wrong forum for the Queen?," wailed supporters of the Boleyn faction. "This is London. People here still think Nan is poisoning Catherine of Aragon!" It should be noted that many of these Boleyn hangers-on are simply activists who are working to redefine marriage, divorce and religion.
Boleyn,
shown here clad in her ubiquitous black French hood, shrugged. "I’ve
gotten used to it," she said of the derision, not the activist hangers-on.
Boleyn described the humiliating heckling as "part of the healing
process" in the wake of the break with Rome.
The drunken, angry, mostly white, crowd behaved badly throughout the procession, despite the fact they were drinking the King’s own ale that flowed from fountains placed around the city. The smell of stale beer, cheap spices and vomit was prevalent in at least one great hall, according to a very reliable source who always notices that sort of thing.
The reason why Boleyn was booed during the coronation ceremonies was not that Londoners feel this Queen was "selected, not elected." Rather she received the big Bronx cheer for, "the claptrap that comes out of her mouth," according to one very well-informed source. "She is simply a witch by anyone's standards," continued this anonymous subject.
Those close to the royal couple will say only that the King was "not happy" with the reception Londoners gave their new Queen.
Get the Real Story:
Anne Boleyn by Eric Ives Out of Print, but well worth hunting down a copy. "As irresistible as Anne herself" Simply the best Boleyn bio to date.
Anne Boleyn by Norah Lofts. Not one of my favorites, as it goes a little heavy on the witchcraft angle, but great pictures.
Be sure to visit our Anne Boleyn section in the Bookstore.
I don't just make this stuff up, you know. Click for the source of the inspiration
We
do need those stinkin' badges
Ceilings, stained glass, towels, and you name it, it's a big business to wipe
out the traces of a former spouse. Take it from one serial husband.
"What I'm finding is that present wives tend to resent any display of arms
of the previous missus", Hank the Oct told the Times in a rare and
exclusive
interview between marriages.
All of this keeps a gargantuan crew of artisans very busy. "It's job
security", grinned one painter, who took a break from his work to talk with
the Times. Hope he remembers where he left off.
With Jane plainly in line to be wife three, crews are now busy round the clock
dismantling any references to wife number two. In a very accommodating move,
little Jane Seymour has selected as her badge the black panther. This will
necessitate only a slight change from the leopard used by the previous Queen.
"I'm bound to obey and serve", the future Queen said during a recent
press conference. The remark was followed by one of our scrappy reporters
vomiting on Jane's gown, thus putting an abrupt end to the proceedings.
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The Wives of Henry VIII by Lady Antonia Fraser
Jane Seymour's Guide to Romantic Living. (giggle)
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LONDON (Dec 15) - Princess Elizabeth, the young daughter of the late Queen
Anne Boleyn, has been warned of a plot to steal some of her hair in a bid to
obtain a sample to compare to the hair of King Henry VIII, the Tudor Times has
learned.
Apparently, Hatfield Palace, where Elizabeth is lodged, has received a letter
from a lawyer detailing the shocking plans. This is the latest in a series of
bizarre stories about the royal family to make headlines in recent months.
Unnamed sources close to Nonesuch Palace, King Henry's London residence, said
the letter claimed that a media organisation had hired someone to obtain some of
Elizabeth's hair. The Tudor Times firmly denies that we were involved in any
way, shape or form. "I did not hire that detective," our plucky editor
said, whilst wagging her finger for emphasis.
No one with any firsthand knowledge will comment on this matter. This will not
dissuade us from filing our story. If the hair samples could be compared, it
might put to rest the persistent rumours that the King is not in fact
Elizabeth's father.
Elizabeth, 3, and famous for her unruly shock of red hair, is the younger of
King Henry's two daughters, sired by different wives. Mary, the eldest, is
the product of a union with Catherine of Aragon, of Spain. Mary is a pale and
sickly creature. Elizabeth, on the other hand, is entirely of fine English
stock, whatever her paternity. She is as sturdy as one of our most excellent oak
trees. Although, our wood from our chestnut trees is equally fine, and, as
the Times has learned, also very good for garden
furniture.
Catherine, who died under mysterious circumstances earlier this year, was
divorced from Henry after she was unable to bear a living male Tudor heir.
The recently departed Queen Anne Boleyn was beheaded in May after spurious
charges of adultery were laid. Needless to say, the remnants of the Boleyn
faction have much to gain if Elizabeth remains an acknowledged child of the
King.
"Just look at that red hair, she's Harry's for sure," said a Boleyn
spokesperson. He flatly denied unconfirmed reports that Boleyn sympathizers have
been seen stockpiling large quantities of henna. "No, no, that's gunpowder,"
he said.
Last September, on the eve of the princess' second birthday, musician Mark
Smeaton categorically denied that he was Elizabeth's real father.
Sternly
shaking his finger in the face of our plucky Tudor Times reporter, Smeaton said,
"I have been aware for a while that the issue of Elizabeth's paternity has
been a major talking point. There really is no possibility whatsoever that I am
her father," he told the Tudor Times, in an exclusive interview a few
months before his arrest. Smeaton added that his appointment as Queen's musician
had not begun until after the Princess was born. His comments did nothing to
dispel long-standing rumours. Maybe it was the finger wagging. Anyway, Smeaton
was hanged in May. Other Boleyn supporters, and the Queen's brother George, were
all beheaded the day before Anne's demise.
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Catherine
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And, of course, of course, our
source. You just can't make this stuff up, you know.
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Parr-Borough-Latimer-Tudor Attacks the Times
Mere minutes after the Queen urged the Court to
restore a more civil tone to Tudor politics, she told a Times reporter to
“shoveth it.”
Realizing that she was caught in a blatant lie about
what she had said to provoke the comment, Parr-Borough-Latimer-Tudor snarled,
"You're from the Times. Understandable. You said something I
didn't say. Now, shoveth it."
She then said "I didn't say that" several
times when asked by our paragon of pluck, our fearless editor, what she meant by
her remark, “Is it not extreme wickedness to charge the holy sanctified word
of God with the offenses of man? To allege the Scriptures to be perilous
learning because certain readers thereof fall into heresies?”
Alert Times readers will realize that this
remark is a sharp slap at the “Act for the Advancement of the True
Religion,” passed by the King’s council in May 1543. Directed against
those of the 'lower sort' who wish to study the Bible in English, the Act
applies to reading the Bible either alone or in public.
“They curse and ban my words everyday, and all their
thoughts be set to do me harm.... I am so vexed that I am utterly
weary,” the Queen said later in a prepared statement, evidently realizing that
“shoveth it” was not exactly a regal remark.
The winds of religious revolution have blown wild over
the Court, and now is not a good time to fall in with 'heretical' religious
reformers. When confronted by the King over her remark, Katherine shrewdly
showed her submissive side, likely saving her skin. The quick-witted Queen told
Henry that “women by their first creation were made subject to men,”
evidently something she had picked up from reading the Bible in English, the
very act that had landed her in such trouble. But, Hank brought it.
“Kate and I are perfect friends,” said the King of
his sixth wife.
Get the Real Story:
The
Wives of Henry VIII by Lady Antonia Fraser
Too bad, our bookstore data base has become
corrupt, or I would list more books. Oh, well.
On
the Web:
English
History
Tudor History
And, of course, the inspiration for this story:
http://www.aim.org/media_monitor/1841_0_2_0_C/
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