Book: "The Year 1000" by Robert Lacey and Danny Danzinger. Living now in the third millennium, we wonder what the world was like the last time such an event occurred. How did the Europeans of a thousand years ago deal with "Y1K"? What did they imagine their future would be like? "The Year 1000" spans the continent, from the forests and the mountains to the cities, to offer a cross-section of a civilization on the brink of a new era. An Amazon History Editors Choice. 

The Times' Statement on Slavery

Not wanting to lose out on lucrative contracts from the Palace, we publish our own affidavit regarding that "peculiar institution."

"No one will deny the role of slavery in Medieval Britain. It is no secret of history. But corporations whose predecessors benefited from slave labor remain, even today, clouded in a veil of secrecy," said Lord Loveaduck, one of the principal perpetrators of this latest peculiarity. "It is time to lift that veil," he continued.

Actually, it's more like lifting a shroud, since everyone directly involved has been dead, lo, these many centuries. Nonetheless, our plucky editor is willing to give it a go. 

"This is just our way of helping to repair the damage, those things that have happened to us ... This is just our little way of dealing with that post-traumatic slavery syndrome, or PTSS" she said. Those who are familiar with our gutsy gal's impending signs of FTS, or "fixin' to start", really do not want to be around when she commences to having PTSS. 

Here is what she found out: 

The ancient Romans needed 100,000 new slaves per year to satisfy their manpower needs. More conquered Celtic Britons would have become slaves, except that the Roman emperor Cicero warned his fellow Romans not to keep British slaves, because he found them hard to teach. Look, they just learn differently. It should be noted that the Romans drew upon people they had vanquished for their slave needs. To not keep a defeated enemy in bondage most probably would have meant death. 

"Hey," our stalwart sob sister said, "I'm glad my ancestors lived to get on that boat. Guess I might not be here if they hadn't."

Next, it was pointed out to her pluckiness that a 10th-century Moslem scholar, named al-Masudi, noted that Europeans "grew more pale the farther north they were" and, that the farther they are to the north "the more stupid, gross, and brutish they are." Well, now, isn't that a little snarky? Hey, baby, the times, they are a changin'. You just watch us. We survived that Y1.5K stuff, and now, we're ready to roll! 

Next, the Vikings butted in. They looted from Britain's churches and monasteries. They took Celtic slaves and sold them to different parts of the world in exchange for gold, silk, silver and weapons. 

Now, hold on to your hats, here comes 1066 and the Norman Invasion. This was an end of "the Saxon way of doing things," as one anonymous writer said so succinctly. No longer would it be good enough to pay simple rents of barley and ale, or to provide work upon the manor. No-o-o-o. Such simple payments were now supplanted by forced military service, and "those at the bottom suffered most, losing all their rights as free men and coming to be regarded as mere property, assets belonging to the manor."

Just two years later, in 1068, another Muslim, ibn Ahmad, wrote that the north Europeans "have not cultivated the sciences (and) are more like beasts than like men . . . they lack keenness of understanding and clarity of intelligence..." Well, so much for celebrating diversity. Evidently a non-attendee of the mandatory cultural assortment training programs we offered some time ago.

In summary, the Times believes that it has fully revealed its' past experiences with slavery and snotty comments. 

Get the Real Story:
Slavery in Early Medieval England from the Reign of Alfred Until the Twelfth Century 

Read what modern writers have to say on the subject Walter Williams and Thomas Sowell are a good start.

Websites: 
Medieval Britain

And of Course, of course, the source: 

http://www.dailysouthtown.com/southtown/dsnews/034nd1.htm

http://www.muslimnews.co.uk/news/news.php?article=2740

Census1500
You may not be able to read, but you will count.

Sometime in 1499

After huddling with our Gutenberg gurus, and finally understanding and harnessing the power of moveable type, we realize that the Y1.5K rollover has ceased to be a   problem. (For now) So, we went to work to find another major media event to cover, and darned if we didn't find one! Which is good, since we would have had to create a big event, otherwise.

Of course, we are speaking of "Census 1500".

Don’t vanish into obscurity, cooperate with Census 1500 today!!

Remember--there are three kinds of people in this world--those who can count, and those who can't.

January 1492

We complete a mandatory cultural diversity training program, in order to become less inexcusably ethically insensitive.This took us five years, since we had to become fluent in a bunch of different languages.

During that time, there has been a sea change in regards to the Y1.5K problem. We asked a papal spokesperson whether or not there might be a Y1.5K Jubilee and received the following response:

"Le cose sono in qualche modo non fisse nei paesi bassi. Proviamo per un giubileo in 2000" (For those not yet culturally sentive and diverse, it's roughly translated as --Things are a tad unsettled just now in the low countries. Let's try for a jubilee in 2000)

Despite the unsettled conditions  mentioned in the low countries, it is doubtful that Y1.5K will be the occasion of the second coming. Thus, there is no need to sell off all your possessions, and crowd terrified into church like they did during the Y1K roll out. However, if you plan to give away all your worldly goods, please stop by the Tudor Times offices first.

Experts now recommend treating the Y1.5K change over just like any other day. That is, you should pray upon first arising in the morning, then move to cleaning the house, milk the cows, suckle the calves, dress the children, prepare breakfast, bake and brew when needed, send corn to the mill, make butter and cheese, look after the swine and collect eggs in order to prepare the next meal. Afternoon and evening duties may include (but not be limited to) dressing the dishboard and undertaking such activities to insure that sufficient children will be produced to eventually be a help on the farm. Try to leave some time to sew so as to make clothing for the household as well as mend the clothing.

The nobility should, of course, make sure that sufficient staff is on hand to see that the above tasks are carried out in a satisfactory manner. The lower classes will find all those duties are carried out by the little woman of the house, ie, the wife.

Nobles not needed (or wanted) at court should remain available and awake in case mummers or Morris Dancers come to the door, in order to reward them. Rewards are optional for neighbors visiting with fruitcakes and wassail bowls.

As far as stocking up on water, the word is, "don’t". It’s not really safe to drink, you know, so be sure to have plenty of beer on hand. Also, you won’t be using that much water for bathing, so, there’s no real need to stockpile. Instead, keep those lovely clove studded oranges, perfumes, and what not handy, to mask any unpleasant odors.

By now, you should have already slaughtered, salted, smoked, or sold your livestock in preparation for winter. Check your spice cabinets. Be sure that you have a generous supply of spices on hand to mask any unpleasant tastes from rotten meat. Be wary of after-Christmas markdowns on meats.

Take care to see that your fire does not burn out. It’s inconvenient to trudge miles to your nearest neighbors house, only to find that they were just as careless as you were about tending to the fire. Unless you’re planning a big feast, it shouldn’t be necessary to chop more trees than usual in preparation for the Y1.5K rollover.

Since Jan 1, 1500 falls on a Friday, don’t forget the regular first Friday services along with the obligatory New Year’s Mass.

Stay tuned.

November 1486

What with covering the royal birth announcements and all, we've been far too busy to call any meetings. And when we do convene, our diverse committee members can be,  to put it simply, rather trying at times. Take our religious representatives for example -- our Jewish member stated that he failed to see the difficulty. "It's 5246", Kislev stated. "Your Y1.5K is no problem". Our Catholic advisor is aggressively advocating the use of, well, Roman numerals. Of course, this would involve calling our dilemma "The YMD problem".  This caused a great deal of confusion for Lady Mildmay, lately of the Council. "Why MDs,  indeed?!", Lady Mildmay shouted in her strident voice that only sings one song. "With Faith and Physic, my own cure rates are not too shabby. I am as just good as any Male Doctor! Who needs Medical Doctors, anyway? They're damned expensive."

At that point, Lady Mildmay was quickly escorted from the Council Chamber, and given her own subcommittee to chair. Lady Mildmay and her female kin in perpetuity will serve on the Alternative and Integrative Medicine Subcommittee.

The Council has unanimously agreed to take our winter vacation, although we have not decided anything. Remember, we're the Council, and you are not. See you after Twelfth Night.

August 1486

Our Y1.5K Coordinator position was money well spent:

PURSUANT TO THE YEAR 1500 INFORMATION AND READINESS DISCLOSURE STATUTE, THE FOLLOWING IS INTENDED TO BE THE:

THE TUDOR TIMES YEAR 1500 READINESS DISCLOSURE

1. Does the The Tudor Times have a comprehensive Y1.5K plan that effectively prioritizes mission-critical systems for completion of renovation and testing?

You bet we do. The Tudor Times has attempted to identify key business systems and processes. Our target date for mission critical Year 1500 issues is March 30, 1499, and all Year 1500 issues, September 1, 1499.

2. Does the Y1.5K plan have the involvement of executive management and is regular reporting established?

Of course. We have a Year 1500 Management Team involved in Y1.5K executive oversight. Each month the team will meet to provide status updates to the Editor.

3. Does the Y1.5K plan include vendor and customer compliance?

Of course it does. However, a contingency plan may be developed for vendors and suppliers.

4. Has the Times incorporated the effect of Y1.5K into its financial planning?

5. Has the Y1.5K plan been reviewed by outside auditors?

The Times does not have outside auditors. We don’t need no stinkin’ auditors.

6.  What year is this, anyway?

Dunno. We think it's 1486.

The foregoing was prepared in response to queries received by the The Tudor Times. If you have questions, please contact the Y1.5K Coordinator, at the Palace.

June 1486

(With yet another new editor, the Tudor Times boldly goes where it has not gone before, to conduct surveys of the realm)

A Tudor Times poll of English subjects shows that only one in five expects major problems from the year 1500 glitch that, some say, could wreak havoc on Jan. 1, 1500.

Two-thirds of those polled feel there will be minor problems, while one in 10 thinks there will be no problems. Women are more apprehensive about Y1.5K than men.

There is some fear that there will be food shortages, but that is an ongoing concern.

Nearly three- fourths of the people who were questioned in our poll think the Y1.5K problem has been blown way out of proportion by the media, especially by the Tudor Times.

``I don't know what the problem is going to be,'' said a tradesman who lives in Middlesex, one of the people polled by The Tudor Times. ``Why should there be a problem? It's just another year. What the hell -- we got from last year to this year without a problem. I think we'll get to your Y1.5K without any difficulty.''

That feeling was strongest at court, a place where one would expect informed opinions. Some four out of five people there felt that the Y1.5K glitch has been greatly exaggerated by newspapers, such as the Tudor Times.

Just two weeks ago, most people interviewed said Y1.5K is not very high on their list of the world's problems. "Barely Noticeable", was how more than half characterized the overall effect of Y1.5K.

``I consider (Y1.5K) a complete ruse fabricated to drum up business,'' said a source who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "I think the problem is way overblown. This is a very good example of the press piling on. Besides, the new year begins in March, you simpleton." (The palace, speaking through our written comment, is reported to have stated, "We don’t need no stinkin’ Gregorian calendar fixes, here. We will continue to give our New Year’s gifts on Jan 1")

More than half of those polled think any problems that do occur will not last more than several weeks.

Our poll showed that people in London think pretty much the same about Y1.5K as people around the rest of the country. In most cases, the London poll figures were within a few percentage points of figures gathered in realm wide polls.

A major difference between those at court and the rest of the kingdom, however, is that while only one in nine residents across the realm is stockpiling extra food, water and other supplies for any Y1.5K-related disaster, one in four courtiers are stocking up. One explanation for the difference is that most say they have the money to do this.

``As the son of a wealthy merchant, I've always had basic staples, like flour, salt and beer,'' said a 22-year-old who lives in Berkeley. This extremely reliable source remains confident and upbeat. "Whatever adjustments that are needed will be made between now and then.''

The problems of Y1.5K seem pretty petty when viewed through the prism of 15th century history.

``What can they do? Problems with groceries? I put in 30 years during the big war, and we got by on hardly nothing. We got through the plague and the sweat, we'll get through this.'' So stated another very informed expert, who, likewise, spoke to us on the condition of anonymity.

These poll findings reflect a real shift in the realm's mood -- from early fears of Y1.5K problems causing widespread havoc to more recent views that the date change will more likely present minor inconveniences. To be sure, we’ll keep you up to date on this story.

Tudor Times Y1.5K Poll ``Do you think that mistakes due to the year 1500 issue will cause major problems, minor problems or no problems at all?''